Recently I have been struggling with God's timing of things in my life. Don't get me wrong, I know he has a perfect plan and it's way better than anything I could ever dream of, but sometimes I just get so frustrated with how he does things and I definitely don't understand the "why" behind it!
So Monica is 5 months, which I know is not very old, but Joel-Michael and I would really like to have another baby soon. Like if we got pregnant tomorrow we would be thrilled! Some of my friends have looked at me like I'm crazy when I have expressed this desire to be pregnant again. Others totally understand where I'm coming from.
In my head I am constantly going back and forth though. I do want to be pregnant and I do want to have a bunch of kids, but it seems that due to nursing I am currently infertile and unable to even have the choice to get pregnant right now.
On the one hand, I am happy that I am not able to get pregnant right now due to nursing because I know in the future I will appreciate this (particularly when we don't want to get pregnant right away - it will make abstaining less of an issue). But on the other hand, I really hate not having control over it. I want to be able to decide on my own (well, with my husband), whether or not we should get pregnant now or wait. I don't want my body deciding on its own.
Then again, it's nice that my body has naturally determined that I am not able to handle a pregnancy right now because Monica needs me too much. Some days I want to wean Monica from nursing so that I have my options back and also more freedom. Other days I feel incredibly sad thinking about her not needing me anymore in that way.
While I wish I was pregnant now, I secretly don't want to be pregnant again until I have lost all the baby weight from the first pregnancy! Ideally I would be more in shape, eating healthier, and just generally have a more balanced lifestyle. That is the part I find a little confusing because I didn't care the first time around if my life was in order or not. But for some reason I almost don't want to have another baby until I get my life figured out. Which is a little unrealistic! Lol. Maybe it's because after having Monica I know how important having a balanced lifestyle really is/will be!
And then there's the fact that I simply want to be pregnant because I think it will make me happy. It certainly would take away my jealousy of my friends who are pregnant with their second child already. It would take away the pressures of trying to get pregnant. It would eliminate people's questions and judgments (and likely add some different questions and judgments lol).
I just don't know. In some ways I want it so badly and in other ways it's nice not to have to think about it. It's nice not to feel additional tiredness. It's nice not to feel sick. It's nice not to be stressed about the lack of space in our tiny apartment. It's nice not to worry about bills or trips to the doctor or even the possibility of a miscarriage.
But it stinks to feel stressed about getting pregnant. It's frustrating to be jealous and incapable of making a choice. It's discouraging to hear negative feedback from friends about something that is so important to me. It's discouraging to think about the spacing gap that is increasing every day between my children. It's a little depressing that we can't have Irish twins this time around or maybe ever because of my cycle and nursing.
On the positive side of things again, it's nice knowing that I can spend my extra time working out. It's nice knowing that I don't have to deal with the stresses and tiredness that come with pregnancy. It's nice not to feel sick. It's nice knowing that I can actually lose my baby weight instead of immediately feeling like I look pregnant again. It's nice to only have one child to worry about. It's nice to have time to focus on Monica. It's nice to enjoy having a small family. It's nice not to be stressed about trying to find a bigger apartment or home. It's nice not being able to control anything because my body is doing what is the natural thing for it to do. It's nice not getting a choice in the matter and having the opportunity for my body to recover and heal from the stresses it went through!
I'm not really sure what else to say at this point. I've already repeated different things, but such is the nature of a blog rant for me! Non-stop writing without really thinking about what I may or may not have said already. Lol. In short, it's all in God's timing. Do I understand it? Not in the slightest. Will I later on in hindsight? Ideally, but not guaranteed. Ultimately would I want it any other way? Of course not. Am I happy for all my friends who are having their second child? Absolutely. No doubt about it. I am 100% THRILLED for all of them (in case any of you are reading this!). Do I feel jealous and wish I was in their shoes? Honestly, yes and no. But I am truly very, very happy for all of them. And I know my time will come. And I know there is a reason for it. And I know that no matter what happens, God has the best plan - better than any one that I could imagine. And ultimately that is how I get through the crazy, confusing, frustrating, "what the h--- is going on" kind of days. And that is real life.
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