Overcoming Lies & Being Brave

Last night I got back from a two-week vacation at the beach with mine and Joel-Michael's families. We had a great time and I hope to write more about our trip and share some photos but for now I want to talk about something else that I was thinking about all throughout the trip. 

Back in August or September of last year (2018), I read Jennifer Fulwiler's book, One Beautiful Dream, and it was amazing in so many ways (again, another post with more thoughts and reflections in the future). And I have been thinking of re-reading it because I need the reminder again about why and how pursing our passions and dreams, while still raising our families, is a good thing. 

I mention Jen's book, because when I read it, one of the things I loved was how she talks about finding your "blue flame." The simplest way I can think of to describe it, is that it's something that gives you energy, that lights you up, that makes you incredibly happy. It's something you're passionate about. For some people, that's cleaning and organizing their house. For others it's running marathons. For others, it's writing books. For me, it's photography.

Taking pictures. Talking about pictures. Talking about cameras or lenses or new skills. All of that makes me SO happy and gives me this like "high" and so much energy. I get so excited!

While we were on vacation, I started reading a new book called 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs, and I was struck by how many lies I had started believing about myself and about my gifts and talents, specifically when it comes to photography. I had started comparing my work to other photographers and been jealous of their successes and it made me feel and believe that I wasn't good enough, that I'll never be good enough, and I might as well just give up now. 

GUYS, photography is something I'm passionate about! Something I've loved for the past SIX years - and I was going to let other people's successes and talents stop me from pursing something I LOVE? That's crazy! 

And I didn't even realize it was happening, at least not exactly. It was subtle at first. I'd see a photo of a photographer I liked and at first it would inspire me. But then as I saw more and more pictures that they had taken and how many clients they had compared to how few clients I had, I felt depressed about it. I would feel jealous, and I hated that they had business and I didn't. And the more that happened, the more I started feeling like why was I even trying to do photography? I might as well give up on my dream and let other people have the clients I might have had. 

In my head, I knew this was stupid and a lie from Satan, but somehow I couldn't overcome it. I prayed about it a ton. I read an amazing article (that I was going to link but apparently no longer exists) that helped me work through some of my envy and jealousy of other photographers and their successes. And then I started reading this book about being brave that I mentioned earlier. And Day 6 has some amazing points that I want to share with you because it really made me think. 

"Satan is a liar. I know you know that, but I want to say it again: he is a liar. He wants to define you, label you, and stop you from being brave and doing the work God has for you."

(later on) 

"It is hard to believe truth if your mind is flooded with confusion and false stories. You hear a lie, you treat it like truth, and it begins to define you, like a label. And then you act out of that label." 

Woah. Powerful stuff, am I right? I mean, think about it - who wants to be labeled by Satan and living that label? That's crazy!! I want my label to be God's label - definitely NOT Satan's. And even though I knew I was believing lies about not being a good enough photographer, somehow reading this chapter, it finally hit me enough that I was just like, woah, what? I'm done Satan. Screw. You. I AM a good photographer. Am I the best? No. But can I get better? Heck yes! 

And honestly, it has been so freeing. Especially because I took a lot of pictures on vacation. Honestly, they're some of the best pictures I've ever taken at our beach vacation (and beach lighting is HARD!). And yet as I pulled them up on the computer before reading this chapter, I kept second-guessing myself about whether or not they were objectively good. And the real truth is that they are. But Satan would have me believe they're not. Why? Because he doesn't want me using my gifts and talents and sharing them with others. Because doing that makes me happy; it energizes me; it makes me a better mom and wife and all around person. 

I don't know if any of you have struggled with jealousy or feeling inadequate but I hope that you know that you are enough, just the way you are. And your gifts and talents and dreams are beautiful - don't let anyone stop you from pursing them. God gave you those desires and he wants you to use your gifts to glorify him! 

I am so grateful that these two women, Annie and Jen, overcame their own struggles to write the books that they did, which have been so key to helping me with my struggles! I'm grateful to the writer of the article (which won't show up now for some reason), which helped me a lot with my jealousy struggles. And most of all, I'm grateful for the gifts that God has given me, and the ability to use them and to continue improving and growing in my knowledge and skills. 

My Word for the Year

It seems like everywhere I looked on social media, within days of the new year starting, people were posting about their word of the year. Jennifer Fulwiler created a website where you can generate a word for your year (found here), as well as one where you can randomly have a saint of the year picked for you.

It's a really cool idea and one that I've never considered trying before. I also saw plenty of resolutions and goals that each of you want to accomplish this year. The new year always makes me think about what I want to accomplish as well. There's just something to be said for a fresh start - be that a new year, a new week, or a new day - it's inspiring and motivating!

As I thought about my goals and dreams, I realized I had a lot of them. After reading Jennifer Fulwiler's book, I read Rachel Hollis's book and have been following her instagram since the end of this past summer and she has been very inspiring and encouraging to me. She talks a lot about writing out your goals and dreams and then brainstorming the steps it will take to accomplish them and then just picking something and starting with it. She also recommends starting small and working your way up. For example, it's easier to run 2 miles, when you have already been running 1 mile consistently.

So as I reflected on what I want to accomplish, along with thinking over what word would encompass everything, I settled on the word intentional. I want my year and my life to be intentional. I chose this word myself (without the help of Jen's wonderful website), and I want to explain a little more what I mean by this word.

Each of us has 24 hours in a day, 365 days a year, and and unknown number of years. I want to use each of these minutes and days with as much intentionality as I can.

Some of my goals for the year include growing my photography business, losing weight, doing more with my kids, reading more books, sleeping more, etc. How can I accomplish all of these items, you ask? By being intentional with my time.

What does this look like practically? In all honesty, it primarily means kicking some bad habits out of my life and implementing new ones.

For example, I'd like to lose weight this year. One aspect of what this looks like practically for me (right now) is doing an eating plan called intermittent fasting. I'll be writing more on this later, but the short explanation is that I eat during an 8-hour window each day and fast for 16 hours. I've been doing this since January 3rd and have already lost 2lbs! More on this in a separate post though! But basically this takes discipline. I stop eating by 6:30pm each night. That is hard! Do you know how sad it can feel to watch a movie at night with no snacks? And yet, there's something satisfying about knowing that I have the discipline to be intentional with my eating.

Another example is that I would like to keep my house a little cleaner. What this looks like for me is picking up the living room every night, putting the toys and books and children's clothing away. It means washing the dishes in the sink before doing anything fun for that night. It means wiping down the table and the high chair. It's a pain in the butt, but every morning I am so grateful I did it. Waking up to a (relatively) clean house is motivating for me. It's not easy to do, but it's worth it. Sometimes I set a timer for 10-15 minutes and clean up as much as I can in that time period. Usually most of it gets done in that short amount of time!

I want to grow my photography business and skills this year. I also love netflix and TV. But my skills won't improve themselves and my business won't grow if I don't devote time and energy to it. My end goal is to commit to at least 1 hour per day for 5 days a week. Is this realistic? Definitely. It just means eliminating some of the TV I watch. It means keeping my house relatively picked up throughout the day so that I don't have as much to do before working on photography.

We all have time that we aren't using to its full potential. We all have things we can cut out or move around in such a way to make time and space for what we want to accomplish. We just have to be disciplined and intentional. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I do. I'm getting more and more tired as I'm writing this. My dishes aren't washed yet, but I am still planning to do a 10 minute clean-up before jumping in bed.

I want to encourage you to be intentional with your time, with your goals, with your life. What are your goals for this year? How can you accomplish them? What do you need to change in order to make them possible?

Perfectionism & What's Holding YOU Back?

Last night I had a dream about writing a blog post. I had a dream that something had happened in my life and it was something I felt passionate about so I naturally felt the need to blog about it. Lol. It was so vivid and real that when I woke up this morning I had to think, wait, did that event really happen? But no, it hadn't. And yet here I am blogging anyway because, well, I've realized some things about myself. Things I already knew, but I think would be good for me to share in case it helps you too.

I am a perfectionist. But not in everything. In an ideal world, I guess my house would be perfectly clean and well-kept all the time. But in reality, that doesn't happen. I wait on washing dishes for several days at a time sometimes. Toys are constantly all over our living room (and it seems like the whole house). Laundry (clean and dirty) is piled in various places. You get the idea.

But I guess I mean that I am a perfectionist in things that I like doing or feel passionately about. So for example. I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago listing all the topics I want to cover, in the hopes that it would push me to blog more and also because I thought it would help me feel less overwhelmed.

It DID help me want to blog more (and I wrote a couple posts), but it did NOT help me feel less overwhelmed. In fact, I think it had the opposite effect. Instead of feeling inspired and motivated, I felt stuck. Almost like writer's block. I suddenly second-guessed everything I wanted to write about. After all, who am I to write on topics life NFP or sleep-training or weight loss? And what if I offend someone or make them not like me because of how I write something or what we choose to do?

So I was stuck. Which is why I haven't actually written on any of those topics yet lol. I was too worried about what other people might think. But why? Why does it matter? I'm not writing to be mean. I'm not intentionally going to be trying to hurt someone's feelings. I'm writing because I love writing. I'm writing because I'm passionate about life and what happens in it. I have strong feelings and opinions because I'm human.

And honestly, I'm not writing to change anyone's minds or tell you that you're wrong in how you choose to do something. I'm writing because writing helps me process things. I'm writing because maybe you'll be helped or encouraged or inspired by something I say. Maybe you'll just unfollow me. And that's okay too. I'm not writing for the "likes" or the "followers" or the popularity. I'm writing because I feel like I need to. Because writing builds me up. Because it makes me happy and able to be a better mom and wife. Because I'm an external processor and sometimes it helps me process things I couldn't otherwise process very well.

So, while I hope that you'll continue to follow me and read along and comment, that's not my goal. This blog is for MY thoughts and perspectives on life as a wife and mother. I can't write about or speak to things I haven't experienced yet or perhaps never will experience. But I CAN write on what I know or have experienced in my life. And I hope you'll like what I write, but if not, then find someone else who inspires you; find someone who gives you life and helps you to feel confident in your choices and decisions.

I'm done being a perfectionist on my blog with the topics I write about. I'm done stressing about "getting it right" or being worried about someone being hurt by what I say.

This month is NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month, and while I'm not a novelist by any means and this blog is not a novel (even if it may feel like that sometimes with my wordiness :P ), I want to take this month to intentionally write more. To write a minimum of 3x a week. (Start small and increase as you can, right?). I'd love to write more but we'll see what happens with the flow of life. 

I guess that's it for now. I was never very good at intros or conclusions or titles in my English classes. I love grammar though, so I guess I have that going for me. But the rest may be a struggle as we go along lol.

But think about what's holding you back? Are you a perfectionist too? Are you worried what other's think? Maybe you think you don't have time to do something. What can you change to make time? We are capable of so much. We just have to figure out what's holding us back and let go of it!

Rachel Hollis, the author of Girl, Wash Your Face (one of my upcoming topics!!), has so much to say and letting go of fear and letting go of what others think of you, so I'll just leave you with a few more screenshots of some of my favorite quotes from her (and her instagram page ;) )

You Might be a Mom If... Part 2

You might be a mom if...

... Losing the binky/pacifier/nook/special blanket, etc. is the equivalent of losing your mind. 

... You hear phantom crying when your baby is sound asleep.

...You actually enjoy sucking boogers out of your kids' noses with those bulb syringe things or nose fridas.

...Playdates are actually more for you to get socialization time and less for your kids to play with other kids. 

...You have clothes in your closet ranging in size from 4-16 (or some other crazy variance) because at some point in your life, you've worn all of those sizes!

...Your daughter has a better sense of style than you do because, hello cute clothes & addictive sales.

...You can't sleep in total silence anymore because you're too used to hearing the noise machines on in the background.

...You drink way more caffeine than you used to.

...You stay up late or wake up early just to get some "me time."


That's it for tonight's edition of "You Might Be A Mom If...."! But I'll keep writing them down as they come to me for another future post. Part 1 can be found HERE!

A Weekend Getaway

It's funny to see how different a weekend getaway three years into marriage is compared to a honeymoon as newlyweds. (Also, I should clarify that for us, with Mickey's job schedule, our "weekends" are Mondays and Tuesdays lol).

The day after our wedding, we left for a 10 day trip to Florida, the Bahamas, and Disney. We both love road trips so we had decided to drive. We drove halfway the first day and the rest on the second day. Then we spent a few days in a house a few blocks from the beach in Cocoa Beach, FL. Then we went on a 3-day, 2-night cruise to the Bahamas (BEST EVER). Then we spent a night in Disney and went to the Magic Kingdom Park, and then we drove back home in two days.

Cocoa Beach, FL

This was in July 2015, so three years ago! Since then, Joel-Michael and I have done overnights together to Pittsburgh, Columbus, Cleveland, and a few bigger road trips. Some of our adventures have been with kids and some without. While I love spending time as a family, sometimes you just need a break from your kids and time to reconnect with your spouse.

That's how I was starting to feel most recently. Damien just turned one a few days ago on the 25th, and my birthday was the 29th. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned to Mickey that rather than an actual birthday present, I thought it would be more fun to go away for a night, or better yet, two nights! It had been over a year since we had gone away without kids. Not because we didn't want to go, but mostly because Damien wouldn't take a bottle until he was about 9 1/2 or 10 months old. And even then, he was still nursing in the mornings until just last month. So I felt stuck and unable to actually leave him much before now.

BUT, since he stopped nursing a month ago, and has been sleeping really well, I knew it was time to get away. We really needed the time to reconnect as adults, as parents, as best friends, as husband and wife - ALONE. Away from our wonderful, amazing, and super tiring children. haha.

Adorable Children

And so we planned it! We're actually on it now. So why am I writing a blog post, you ask, instead of spending all the time with my amazing husband? Well, to be honest, because even in a marriage, alone time is necessary and also beneficial. :)

Back when we were on our honeymoon, I remember there being a point where I was feeling overwhelmed and kind of emotional and I wasn't really sure why! After all, I was finally married and with my best friend and we finally didn't have to be apart and say goodbye each night! And yet....it was a big change compared to my life before getting married. I used to always have some sort of built-in alone time. I slept alone. I got dressed alone. I brushed my teeth and used the bathroom alone. And now I was just supposed to.....share? With someone I knew, yes, but not like that! lol.

So after some crying and confusion as to why I felt this way, we realized that I (and he) needed some time apart - even on our honeymoon. It seems counter-intuitive, but that's what we needed. So I took some time to sit in the bedroom and journal and think and just be by myself. And I'm pretty sure he watched TV in the living room. haha. But that's what we needed to recharge and be ready for life again. ;) I know this might not be the case for everyone, with all the different personalities and situations, but that's what we needed.

Fast forward to today - Joel-Michael and I dropped the kids off @ 12:30pm yesterday with grandparents, and left for Robinson for 2 nights, only 30 minutes away from where we live, but hey it was not in town so that was good enough for us!

Yesterday we had a great time - we checked into our hotel, took a super long (uninterrupted by kids) nap, went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday, went back to the hotel, exercised, jumped in the pool, and then spontaneously went to a late showing of First Man.

All Dressed Up! :) 

Cheesecake Factory for my Birthday <3

And so far today, we've eaten breakfast, gone back to sleep, gone out for super yummy donuts (Peace, Love, and Little Donuts = the BOMB) and lunch @ Moe's. Then we went over to Barnes and Noble, which is where I'm currently sitting and typing. I love books and I love reading. Joel-Michael, on the other hand, likes reading, but not as much as I do. So he looked through the board games and puzzles and things like that.

Super Yummy Donuts!

Then we sat down to decide what to do next. I was feeling indecisive about buying a book to read. He had mentioned wanting to see a movie (one that I have zero interest in lol). Both of us were tired but not really wanting to sleep. I don't know exactly how to describe it, other than I felt like I couldn't make a decision partially because I knew that at this moment, we didn't necessarily want to do what the other person wanted to do/we were both feeling indecisive.

And this is where it differs from our honeymoon. Lol. I told him I thought he shoudl walk down and go see the movie, and I would stay here and read or maybe drive over to another store and do some shopping or possibly go back to the hotel. I still really don't know what I plan to do, but I just figured maybe we each needed some time to ourselves to recharge.

It's only been about 30 minutes, but I'm already feeling more energized haha. I love him so much and I know he loves me too, but alone time is sometimes the best time ever. Especially when there are constantly small children needing something.

Plus, he has been so great about making this trip all about me and what I want to do because it's my birthday trip, and I really appreciate that. He's the best. Really the best. And I'm so grateful for family to watch our kids and give us this time away.

So I guess this long post doesn't have a huge point, other than I was reflecting on the differences between us 3 years ago and us now. Some things have changed and some things have not. But overall, everything has been great and I can't wait to see how different (or the same) we are in the next 50 years!

My Best Friend & Me :)

5 Quick Takes: An Outline of My Thoughts

I've been dying to write on here for a while now. Heck, I even have several posts that I started and then saved as drafts. I love writing but I just have so much on my mind these days and so much I could talk about that I feel a bit overwhelmed and don't know where to start!

So, how about a quick list of what's on my mind to write about, and hopefully I'll get some longer posts out later this month! (Or this week if I'm lucky ;) ).

1) Books. I absolutely LOVE reading but it's been so long since I've made time to do it. But I'm loving getting back into it.  Specifically, I have been reading two books that have revolutionized my view on life - for the better! I'm so excited to share them with you *hint - the book titles are One Beautiful Dream + Girl, Wash Your Face - so freaking good. 

2) NFP + Humanae Vitae + Being Catholic + Discernment. SO much to unpack with those few words lol. I've just been doing a lot of reading and thinking on these subjects recently and I can't wait to chat about them.

3) Photography. I LOVE taking pictures and I even enjoy the editing process, but I have found myself putting off the editing parts, even though I'm excited. However, this month I finally knocked out several projects and forced myself to sit down at the computer just to get back into it and it's been great. I'm more motivated now and I've been using my camera a lot more regularly in the last 2 weeks. 

4) Pregnancy + Postpartum + Weight Gain/Loss + Eating Habits + The STRUGGLE IS REAL. There is so much I could say on these topics so you're guaranteed at least one post on them in the near future haha. 

5) Sleep Training + Nursing + Parenting Choices + more. There are so many choices and options and decisions we make as parents, as moms in particular. And most of them aren't right or wrong - they're simply what we prefer and/or think will be best for our child(ren). I'd like to share with you some of the choices we made and why it works for us. And I also want to encourage you in your own decisions - I hate how much judgment there is out there on moms.

Okay, so that's all that comes to mind off the top of my head, but odds are high that when I hit publish, millions more will pop into my head. I suppose this was mostly rambling but consider it a preview of what I hope to discuss! And maybe it'll serve as an outline for my crazy brain that can't seem to just stop and breath long enough for me to pick just one topic haha. 

A Tribute To My Grandfather

My grandpa passed away this morning. It wasn't unexpected; we knew it would happen soon, but I'm not sure that that makes it any less sad. He was 89 years old. I know he is happy to be in heaven and finally united with Jesus and reunited with my grandma, his wife. This Easter will be his best one yet because he gets to spend it with Jesus. I don't know if he went to purgatory first or straight to heaven, but I can't imagine Jesus will have him in purgatory very long if he did. My grandpa suffered a lot off and on over the past few years with pain and trouble sleeping. And I'm sure Jesus used his pain and suffering to make him an even holier person.

He was an incredible person. No matter how hard things were or what he was going through, he was always trying to be closer to Jesus. When I was talking with him a few weeks ago, he told me he didn't know how Jesus suffered everything that he did, but he was trying to unite his sufferings with those of Christ. We prayed a decade of the rosary with him and since it was a Friday, we did the Agony in the Garden. How appropriate.

I have so many memories of my grandpa, and I would like to use this space to share some of them with you.

My grandpa laughed a lot. He would laugh so hard he cried and had trouble breathing. I like to think I got that trait from him. He would carry these livesaver mints around in his pockets and all the grandkids would beg him for a "secret" because that's what someone started calling them and it stuck.

Starting in 1998, my mom and her siblings tried to have family reunions every 2 years, where we would rent a big house and spend time together. And every year for Thanksgiving my grandpa would host the big meal at his house. My aunts and uncles and cousins would come in town (whoever could make it that year) and we would set up extra tables and chairs and eat SO much good food. I will always think of him at Thanksgiving. When we were younger, all of us little kids would crawl around pretending to be puppies, barking and being loud. And then when the adults and older cousins needed a break we would go downstairs and watch movies in his basement.

Many of my cousins and aunts and uncles at our first family reunion

He had a pool table in the basement also and we would bug the older cousins when they were using it. I remember him starting fires in his wood stove. He had this great (electric?) train set up on a big table downstairs. He would decorate all the little houses and around the tracks with pretend snow and it looked magical.

For a long time my grandpa held season tickets to the Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball Team. He would take one or two of us with him to the games and we would eat hot dogs and huge ice cream cones. He taught me everything I know about baseball - and I'm not much of a sports person, but I know SO much about baseball. We would buy score cards and he would help me fill them out. I think they'll always be my favorite team because of that. If I'm being honest, I really just went for the food, but it was always a great time.

For Christmas, every year, my grandpa would come over for dinner or whatever meal we were doing as a family, but then on a different day that week, we would bring Christmas cookies and go over to his house to open the gifts he had bought for us. He had lots of grandchildren and I don't know how he kept track of it all, but somehow he never repeated a gift (at least that I know of)! He had these religious catalogs and he would order gifts for all of his grandkids and children. When I was little, getting a religious gift was not as exciting as the toys my parents got us, but the older I got the more I appreciated the spiritual books and Christian CD's.

My grandpa was a deacon and I remember seeing him serving at Sunday masses or masses with the Bishop many times over the years. He also used to do prison ministry and visit the prisoners every Tuesday night for many years. He was amazing.

My grandma died of cancer when I was little, I think I was only one at the time. I'm 25 now and he has lived all these years without her, missing her, but he didn't let depression and sadness get him down; he still lived the best life he could. I am so happy that he gets to be with her now. My middle name is Marie, which was her name, and I know she was just as amazing as my grandpa.

Look how cute they were together!

I am so grateful for all the time I was able to have with my grandpa. I'm grateful he was able to be at our wedding, at Monica's baptism, and living with my parents when he met Damien. I am so glad that he will be up in heaven with my grandma, praying for all of us, loving Jesus, and not suffering anymore. Grandpa, you will be missed, but your legacy and your Irish heritage lives on with all of us! Thank you for your life and your example. We love you!