Overcoming Lies & Being Brave

Last night I got back from a two-week vacation at the beach with mine and Joel-Michael's families. We had a great time and I hope to write more about our trip and share some photos but for now I want to talk about something else that I was thinking about all throughout the trip. 

Back in August or September of last year (2018), I read Jennifer Fulwiler's book, One Beautiful Dream, and it was amazing in so many ways (again, another post with more thoughts and reflections in the future). And I have been thinking of re-reading it because I need the reminder again about why and how pursing our passions and dreams, while still raising our families, is a good thing. 

I mention Jen's book, because when I read it, one of the things I loved was how she talks about finding your "blue flame." The simplest way I can think of to describe it, is that it's something that gives you energy, that lights you up, that makes you incredibly happy. It's something you're passionate about. For some people, that's cleaning and organizing their house. For others it's running marathons. For others, it's writing books. For me, it's photography.

Taking pictures. Talking about pictures. Talking about cameras or lenses or new skills. All of that makes me SO happy and gives me this like "high" and so much energy. I get so excited!

While we were on vacation, I started reading a new book called 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs, and I was struck by how many lies I had started believing about myself and about my gifts and talents, specifically when it comes to photography. I had started comparing my work to other photographers and been jealous of their successes and it made me feel and believe that I wasn't good enough, that I'll never be good enough, and I might as well just give up now. 

GUYS, photography is something I'm passionate about! Something I've loved for the past SIX years - and I was going to let other people's successes and talents stop me from pursing something I LOVE? That's crazy! 

And I didn't even realize it was happening, at least not exactly. It was subtle at first. I'd see a photo of a photographer I liked and at first it would inspire me. But then as I saw more and more pictures that they had taken and how many clients they had compared to how few clients I had, I felt depressed about it. I would feel jealous, and I hated that they had business and I didn't. And the more that happened, the more I started feeling like why was I even trying to do photography? I might as well give up on my dream and let other people have the clients I might have had. 

In my head, I knew this was stupid and a lie from Satan, but somehow I couldn't overcome it. I prayed about it a ton. I read an amazing article (that I was going to link but apparently no longer exists) that helped me work through some of my envy and jealousy of other photographers and their successes. And then I started reading this book about being brave that I mentioned earlier. And Day 6 has some amazing points that I want to share with you because it really made me think. 

"Satan is a liar. I know you know that, but I want to say it again: he is a liar. He wants to define you, label you, and stop you from being brave and doing the work God has for you."

(later on) 

"It is hard to believe truth if your mind is flooded with confusion and false stories. You hear a lie, you treat it like truth, and it begins to define you, like a label. And then you act out of that label." 

Woah. Powerful stuff, am I right? I mean, think about it - who wants to be labeled by Satan and living that label? That's crazy!! I want my label to be God's label - definitely NOT Satan's. And even though I knew I was believing lies about not being a good enough photographer, somehow reading this chapter, it finally hit me enough that I was just like, woah, what? I'm done Satan. Screw. You. I AM a good photographer. Am I the best? No. But can I get better? Heck yes! 

And honestly, it has been so freeing. Especially because I took a lot of pictures on vacation. Honestly, they're some of the best pictures I've ever taken at our beach vacation (and beach lighting is HARD!). And yet as I pulled them up on the computer before reading this chapter, I kept second-guessing myself about whether or not they were objectively good. And the real truth is that they are. But Satan would have me believe they're not. Why? Because he doesn't want me using my gifts and talents and sharing them with others. Because doing that makes me happy; it energizes me; it makes me a better mom and wife and all around person. 

I don't know if any of you have struggled with jealousy or feeling inadequate but I hope that you know that you are enough, just the way you are. And your gifts and talents and dreams are beautiful - don't let anyone stop you from pursing them. God gave you those desires and he wants you to use your gifts to glorify him! 

I am so grateful that these two women, Annie and Jen, overcame their own struggles to write the books that they did, which have been so key to helping me with my struggles! I'm grateful to the writer of the article (which won't show up now for some reason), which helped me a lot with my jealousy struggles. And most of all, I'm grateful for the gifts that God has given me, and the ability to use them and to continue improving and growing in my knowledge and skills. 

My Word for the Year

It seems like everywhere I looked on social media, within days of the new year starting, people were posting about their word of the year. Jennifer Fulwiler created a website where you can generate a word for your year (found here), as well as one where you can randomly have a saint of the year picked for you.

It's a really cool idea and one that I've never considered trying before. I also saw plenty of resolutions and goals that each of you want to accomplish this year. The new year always makes me think about what I want to accomplish as well. There's just something to be said for a fresh start - be that a new year, a new week, or a new day - it's inspiring and motivating!

As I thought about my goals and dreams, I realized I had a lot of them. After reading Jennifer Fulwiler's book, I read Rachel Hollis's book and have been following her instagram since the end of this past summer and she has been very inspiring and encouraging to me. She talks a lot about writing out your goals and dreams and then brainstorming the steps it will take to accomplish them and then just picking something and starting with it. She also recommends starting small and working your way up. For example, it's easier to run 2 miles, when you have already been running 1 mile consistently.

So as I reflected on what I want to accomplish, along with thinking over what word would encompass everything, I settled on the word intentional. I want my year and my life to be intentional. I chose this word myself (without the help of Jen's wonderful website), and I want to explain a little more what I mean by this word.

Each of us has 24 hours in a day, 365 days a year, and and unknown number of years. I want to use each of these minutes and days with as much intentionality as I can.

Some of my goals for the year include growing my photography business, losing weight, doing more with my kids, reading more books, sleeping more, etc. How can I accomplish all of these items, you ask? By being intentional with my time.

What does this look like practically? In all honesty, it primarily means kicking some bad habits out of my life and implementing new ones.

For example, I'd like to lose weight this year. One aspect of what this looks like practically for me (right now) is doing an eating plan called intermittent fasting. I'll be writing more on this later, but the short explanation is that I eat during an 8-hour window each day and fast for 16 hours. I've been doing this since January 3rd and have already lost 2lbs! More on this in a separate post though! But basically this takes discipline. I stop eating by 6:30pm each night. That is hard! Do you know how sad it can feel to watch a movie at night with no snacks? And yet, there's something satisfying about knowing that I have the discipline to be intentional with my eating.

Another example is that I would like to keep my house a little cleaner. What this looks like for me is picking up the living room every night, putting the toys and books and children's clothing away. It means washing the dishes in the sink before doing anything fun for that night. It means wiping down the table and the high chair. It's a pain in the butt, but every morning I am so grateful I did it. Waking up to a (relatively) clean house is motivating for me. It's not easy to do, but it's worth it. Sometimes I set a timer for 10-15 minutes and clean up as much as I can in that time period. Usually most of it gets done in that short amount of time!

I want to grow my photography business and skills this year. I also love netflix and TV. But my skills won't improve themselves and my business won't grow if I don't devote time and energy to it. My end goal is to commit to at least 1 hour per day for 5 days a week. Is this realistic? Definitely. It just means eliminating some of the TV I watch. It means keeping my house relatively picked up throughout the day so that I don't have as much to do before working on photography.

We all have time that we aren't using to its full potential. We all have things we can cut out or move around in such a way to make time and space for what we want to accomplish. We just have to be disciplined and intentional. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I do. I'm getting more and more tired as I'm writing this. My dishes aren't washed yet, but I am still planning to do a 10 minute clean-up before jumping in bed.

I want to encourage you to be intentional with your time, with your goals, with your life. What are your goals for this year? How can you accomplish them? What do you need to change in order to make them possible?